LINDA = LAZY

Look at the date of that last post would you? It's been a while since I logged in so I am therefore failing my challege of blogging daily. This does not really surprise me, as I have never once kept a new years resolution. In face I'm trying to think of a time I finished anything at all and I must say it really only extends to McDonalds Happy Meals. 

Uni? Nup, never finished. House Renos? We are still doing kitchen four years on. Gym Classes? Dont. even. go. there.

I am clearly lazy. You know Norm from Life Be In It? I think I grew up modelling myself on him. I don't quite have the physique yet, but if I keep finishing my McHappy Meals the way I do we won't have far to go.  What I am starting tomorrow is the Michelle Bridges 12WBT program.  I hope to last the 12 weeks but lets face it, history is against me. In fact I had to google her name just then as I went to type Michelle Williams. (This is yet more proof I spent more time reading gossip mags than idoling the health queen) I also just ate red rooster for lunch - and probably will again tomorrow.

In other news I am on the job hunt as my role is being made redundant where I currently am. I will miss that free internet access by the way.  In the meantime though, I will have ample time to lay on the lounge and practice my Norm poses. I might do photographic documented evidence of this if the demand is high enough?

See that? There's something I can do.

CRUELTY TO LINDA

This just got delivered to work. See there - OMNI PRODUCTS. Omni makes alcohol, cheap champagne sure but if you are giving away free grog I'm drinking it. What starlet-to-be wouldnt't? I won't even be famous till I enter rehab so I'm prepared to put in the hard yards, besides it's where I hope to meet other famous people, 'cause so far the invites to all the star studded shindigs haven't been forthcoming.  (Suri Cruise I'm looking at you, I could have bought a pony to your birthday party you know)

I was so excited by this Omni box arriving though, thought someone had heard my pleas and sent me a case to tide me over till this afternoon. I'm not sure what cruel joke was being played but I opened it up to twleve pairs of oven mitts. Yes say it again slowly, twelve.pairs.of.oven.mitts. OVEN MITTs. TWELVE.

I now need a sparkly to console myself. 

Also, stop hating me just because I have these awesome Hello Kitty thongs.

WHAT I'M LOVING

Bringing back the bubbles. Im loving it. My partner laughed when I said I wanted one of these, he did not realise there was a revival going on and soda streams were cool again (and if they weren't they are now)

Also, he does not realise that I figure I can turn cheap cask wine champagne with this thing. Hell to the yes, this baby is going to rock my world. 

STYL'N WITH LINDA

So there was an awards show yesterday, and I think it was the Golden Globes. Don't ask me for the details on who won what cause I'm not big on the details and technicality. I was actually surprised to see Adele there (stalker singer, I don't think she has a last name?) as I thought it was for movies, but apparently its's for the works. Strangely no sight of Lara, she should get her people to talk to their people, surely a Logie nominee should be on the invite list?

Anyway, I'm here to give you a run down on who wore what.  I see the Sydney Morning Herald did a best / worst dressed list, and as one as esteemed as they I give you my bit. Also as an upcoming Lara-ite my day will come that I'll be needing a stylist so thought it best I got my eye in.   So here we go:

First up is Anne Hathaway, I used to like her till she did a movie with my man Hugh, any woman that gets closer to Hugh than me is on my blacklist. (though I have slept in Hughs bedroom Anne, in ya face!- okay thats a long story and he wasn't in said bedroom at the time, but still.)

So Anne I think Molly Ringwald calls and she wants her 80's hairstyle back. Also, where are your boobs? I see they have given you a globe, I suggest you put said globe down your dress, if you win one next year you'll be set with a lovely pair of golden globes.  Apart from that, I like the simplicity. Would look better with cowboy boots.

And onto Adele. The singer with no surname. It's nice they let her out of that special place for the awards night. At least I'm assuming anyone with her history of stalking would be locked up? She is sporting a hairdo from the B-52's here, in fact I think she has borrowed the whole outfit from an old film clip of theirs. I guess she didn't have enough for a new dress after paying bond?  I like the heavy false lashes though, and her nails. Would look better with blundstone work boots. 

This is Zooey surname something I can't spell. Now the style critics have been rather harsh on her for some reason.  But personally I like the pearls, how can they be wrong? I am not even going to make a joke about a pearl necklace. I said I am not even going to make a joke about a pearl necklace. I said...oh whatever, I think you missed it. I love the red though and I love the fact she has the huge signs behind her in case she forgot where she was wearing her big red, shiny ensemble too.  You know, just in case she thought she was putting out the garbage in it and then the signs reminded her, 'shit the bed I'm at an awards show'. Zooey can do no wrong in my eyes, but it would look better with gumboots. 

I can't judge Isla, she just killed me with her death glare. She forgot to read the signs behind her, you are at an awards show love cheer up, also THERE WILL BE FREE CHAMPAGNE ISLA. I don't think she deserves this pretty sparkly number at all based on her bad attitude. Trust me, if I had a sparkly dress and free champagne I'd be pretty darn chipper. I assume she may not be able to smile for fear of getting lipstick on her teeth. Who put that colour lipstick on her? Overall, would look better with riding boots.

For the love of God would everyone cheer up? More bored faces from the Aussies, this time whats her face (name alludes me, help me out) and her equally as boring husband. I think I saw him in an action movie I was forced to watch once, and I think I saw her in a movie with a big hairy person that wasnt her husband, it was King Kong. It's all a bit unclear though. What are they doing there? I will say this, her dress almost sports a little cape, so for this I give her 2 points. Apart from that, yaaaawn.  Would look better if they both were booted off the carpet. 

This is Ben Affleck, I think he is a very good actor in a very bad suit. Does that suit have shiny bits on it? Also, thats one hell of a forehead. It would be handy if you were say a beef cow being judged. Thats a forehead to be proud of, bone, width, that foreheads got it. On a human though Im a little bit freaked so I'm backing away slowly. Entire look though would really be set off with a natty pair of motorbike boots.

Up now we have Jodie Foster, Jodie is sporting some bondage straps and super smooth haircut. She must have been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and is getting her bondage on. I don't have much to say here other than isn't she like 50 now? She looks pretty darn good for fifty so I want to know what face cream you are using Jodie? Also at your age, just work your look back with slippers.

Almost perfection. Would look better naked and in my bed. 

LET'S JUST PAUSE A MOMENT...

Let's just take this opportunity to pause a moment and drink in a little Keith. He and Hugh are clearly in running for man of the year, I am clearly running a cold shower for myself.

Right, as you were.

THE TERMINATOR

Just like The Terminator, I'll be back...

Had a short hiatus (did I spell that correctly?) yesterday due to a massive headache. No not a hangover, it was a school day. I diligently appeared at work, did my thing for nine hours (God I wish I was Lara like and all that was required was the standing still look pretty thing instead of work frantically, look stressed and harassed, get annoyed with transport companies and wish fervently I was sipping margaritas on a tropical island)

Anyway, after many mysendol and a sleep I have returned. Back to the clutches of work till it releases me and I am free to annoy you with a post on whats annoying me today. (bike riders not in their bike lanes, the chick on channel nine morning show and the way my local Woolies wont stock Peanut Butter Twix bars)

I'm as rivetting as Lara and you know it. Booyah! (PS I have no idea what Booyah means I just see people write it and have felt the need to do same)

Also, I went searching for a picture of the The Terminator for you, but did not realise he was so unattractive. When I googled the words though a picture of this dog came up, so I give you this instead. Enjoy. Woof.

SHOWDOWN!

I don't believe it, SHE HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR A LOGIE.  I've whipped up this little pic for you, as I think I make a good Lara and should therefore be also up for a Logie, but seriously, what the hell? I was in shock for a few minutes till I remembered that Daryl Somers has won a few gold ones, so really they are just pretty much there for the taking aren't they. 

WHERE THE BLOODY HELL IS MY LOGIE? 

In other startling news The Shire is also nominated I hear, so this year not only are these two shows in the running for an award, AN AWARD FOLKS...but Kim Kardashian has been allowed to procreate. No wonder I am pursing my lips.

Today I also purchased WHO magazine, I need to keep up to date with the media is my reasoning, and lo and behold there was a story of Laras weight struggle and how she has a new designer boyfriend (oh wait, a boyfriend who designs, but same same) who encouraged (ie made her )loose weight.   I've done the before shot below for you:

Again, our resemblance is amazing. 

I told Jeff about the Logie nomination (Jeff the cat - he who waits for his cat helmet with horns remember and he reacted like this:

Lucky he doesn't have his horned helmet yet is all I can say. If you are looking for either of us we are sitting crying in the corner with a stiff drink. (well I am, Jeff is hunting bears)

THE POWER IN YOUR POCKET

I use mine to talk about myself and laugh at Kim Kardashians orange face also, but same same.

PS: you can view KKs orange face in 'Will Somebody Think of The Children' below. I'd link it but I'm not that clever yet.

IS THAT A UNICORN OR ARE YOU PLEASED TO SEE ME?

In response to earlier calls for cat helmets with horns my niece has sourced this for me. Amazaballs! Henceforth my niece shall be named 'awesome cat horn head finder' (I'm a fan of long Indian names al la Dances With Wolves...)

So Awesome Cat Horn Head Finder sends me this in a private message while I'm at work and I immedietly find myself thinking inappropriate for work thoughts such as 'what the hell - a cat dildo strap on'. Actually that thought is inappropriate at any time but I can't help but see a resemblance...look! Cat strap on!

It also states 'cats love it'. I beg to differ here, look at that cats face. He knows he has a dildo on his head, not a unicorn horn, so I think that's a bit of false advertising. Jeff however would adore it, he could charge people, animals and objects till his hearts content, stabbing them with his unicorn horn. Sadly said available one is inflatable but now we've got the general idea we can use this one as a prototype.

Note also over 6500 people have saved this item. Clearly the need for inflatable unicorn horns / strap on dildos for cats is an untapped market. Naturally the more rum I drink tonight the more I'm brimming with business ideas. I think I have a business name and all 'Twats up (yr) Pussy Cat'.

Now you need to excuse me, I have an inflatable horn to buy.

WHAT I'M LOVING

I've never seen something so awesome in my life. (apart from when I look in the mirror).  You dont know my cat yet  but trust me you will hear stories if you stick around - my cat can slay dragons. I kid you not. HE NEEDS THIS HELMET. 

Also don't let the cat stories threat put you off, its not like I'm some crazy cat lady. I'm a crazy lady yes but not a crazy cat lady (Everyone knows you need more than one cat for that).

Jeff longs for this look, he doesnt walk like a cat even. He struts, he stomps, he OWNS IT. He can work it back with a fierce cape perhaps? Anyway, we continue to source these items.

I FORGIVE YOU

I recently found out you have a French Bulldog called Peaches.  With any other man this may make me think twice, but I'll forgive you. I'll also forgive you this outfit and hair style (can you loose the wedding ring though? Its kind of off putting). 

Call me whenever Hugh, I'll be waiting... yours eternally, Linda. xoxo

WANTED

My cat Jeff needs this outfit. I have been unable to source, any one seen anywhere? WARNING: Do not google any terms like 'pussy horn costume' in search. Strangely even cat helmets draws some odd responses. There is another helmet we saw somwhere he is keen on. MY CAT NEEDS A HELMET, preferably with horns. Please assist. 

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL.

With the display of the below photograph my cover may have been blown, because up until now NOBODY KNEW WHO I WAS. Well apart from Linda Walker but there are thousands of those in the world (note that claim is not researched or factual, it came from a quick google search and some guess work which is how I write most things)

Now that I have been revealed I am concerned about the amount of media attention I may well receive. The local news station did ask me at a ball I was attending once what I was going to say at midnight on New Years Eve years ago (I did not give expected answer and was left on cutting room floor, but I was wearing a lot of spray on glitter at the time so pretty sure I sparkled and wowed them regardless) anyway, I've been expecting some sort of hosting gig since those days.

Like all startlets, they will be after me. (can someone cue in some music there after that line? Thanks)

I have been working on designs for disguises in preparation, as I only want to be famous when I want to be famous, not when I am say, drunk at the pub, going about the shops in my ugg boots or stealing a bottle of Jen Water. Again, think Lara, Lindsay etc,  the name Linda would just fit too well in there.

Speaking of stars (which Lara and Lindsay SO are) I had a dream the other night I was Taylor Swift. I'm not sure if this means something or not?  I have also had a dream I was tap dancing in a minnie mouse outfit on top a steam train once so maybe not, but this Taylor dream be a sign of my upcoming fame and fortune as the new face of Jen Water.

By the way if you have read this far congratulations as this post was not about anything at all was it?

I CAN'T BELIVE IT'S NOT...

Jen Hawkins. I can't believe its not Jen Hawkins, seriously, check it out. I look just like Jen with my Jen designed water, IN YOUR FACE LARA!

WILL SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

I can only think of bad things to say here, so I best not write. But seriously, should we as concerned citizens start a Free Baby KK now campaign? 

WHAT I'M LOVING

This...the bottles, look at them! FABULOUS. I love me a little bit of fabulous and I found these recently when I went looking for a bit of non alcoholic hydration. I love them because I am a sucker for marketing and because they are apparently something to do with Jennifer Hawkins. I think it means I LOOK JUST LIKE HER WHEN I DRINK IT. 

MY ABC's & 123's

So you may have noticed I am not good with numbers. This is an understatement, because myself and numbers are a bit like Warnie and his telephone. I try hard, relentlessly actually, but always seem to end up in the shit with them.   Shane Warne needs to put his mobile phone down and I need to leave numbers alone.

Some may have noticed that in the entry below I do not know how many days in a year there are. Okay I was a tad emotional when I wrote the below, but in all honesty even in a level headed state I get numbers back the front, upside down and arse up. Oh, look, Lara and I have something in common again, I think I've seen her in a mag in a dress that looked back the front, upside down and arse up. Or was her arse showing? Anyway I digress.  I am shite at numbers. Like dyslexics type letters in incorrect sequence I do it with numbers, so excuse my 356 days per year gaff, I meant 365. Or maybe I just mean three hundred and mumble mumble, cause its much safer that way.

On the bright side, it gives me another entry and I'm nearly back on track to ending the year with three hundred and mumble mumble posts. How many do I have left now I've written...what is it, six? Is there an accountant in the room? Thats a joke by the way, cause if there is you need to go, I am genetically programmed to dislike you. I having raging rows with them all, probably something to do with the whole maths inability, or it could be their personality, not sure.

Also, you may need to leave the room if you are offended easily, dislike animals, or don't want to hear about the vaginal weights, because trust me, that entry is nearing.  (I was going to write coming, but in my head I can't saying coming and vagina in the one sentence, what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow and this ends up being my legacy to the world, and thats all anyone remembers?!)  So patience my captive audience (I think I'm up to four) I will write about it, but I cant do it sans alcohol and its a school night.

On that note, must run, not actually on the treadmill. More like run a bath and hit the sack. Good night.

MANS BEST FRIEND...AND MINE TOO

Look at the date, two days behind again. It's the 7th January so I should have seven entries in my Being Linda Walker blog a day challenge. But something is amiss, I thought I would have three hundred and fifty six entries of funny, irrelevant posts, mainly bagging out Lara true... but 356 days of froth and bubble regardless (which is I imagine what's in Laras head most of the time).

I forgot when I started that life wasn't endless day of sunny fun. I forgot that life was going to get in the middle and that sometimes when I wanted bubbles I just got flat water, (and not when they were trying to throw me out the pub discreetly this time).  On the weekend my dog died and my little world I bounce around in didn't seem quite so bouncy any more.

Boofa was one of my best little buddies, he came as a package deal when I met my partner. Offsiders to each other it was clear I wasn't getting one without the other, and that was fine with me as I fell for them both.  Boofa was furry, friendly and blue eyed and I was lucky he immedietly took to me or maybe I wouldn't have spent the last five years loving them both. Boofa is the dog by the way, owner of the most amazing pair of blue eyes on a dog I have ever seen, and maybe ever will. They went straight to my heart and when he left just a couple of days ago he took that little piece of my heart with him.

He went everywhere with us, holidays, camping, day trips, swimming in the weir, Boof was there. For five years I have loved him and I have cried a river since he left.

I do know he hated when I was upset, so I have to stop soon. Boof was a fan of funny, not tears. I guess things happen in life and you are meant to learn a lesson from them. I'm not sure what it is yet, but do know I'm glad he was here. That though I've cried it was worth it, to have spent years with such a mate like him. I hope there are sticks for you to chase in heaven buddy, I'll miss you more than I can even write, so I'm going to stop trying.

MADE IT... NOW PREPARE TO BARE

Excuse the shameless look at me post below. I was attempting the how to post a picture thread. I didn't have any 'here I am topless caught unawares in the shower" like Lara, but I'll see what I can drag up for you next time.  Also, this now brings me to four posts in four days. (the canny amongst you will count four posts in two days, but lets not ever EVER get too technical mmmokay? I'm not really the technical type). 

SO IT BEGINS. Tonight at 8, or 9 or 6, or basically any time the rum kicks in... I shall begin to bare my soul (not my body, see this is where Lara and I differ, actually I MUST stop bagging her out. Okay, new drinking game tonight, if I pay out on her I must drink, or maybe not take a drink? Whatever, we'll make up the rules tonight) but I shall bare my soul on whatever pops into my head.  Currently its vagina cones. No really, I recently learnt of these AND I CAN'T GET THEM OUT OF MY HEAD. (imagine them in your hoo haa then)

Right now you are eighter mind boggled or singing Kylie, or if you are my brother you are wondering what I'm on about again. It's nothing to do with drugs (I say no) and everything to do with weight lifting. I may just talk about them. There are even pictures available and they are really quite pretty, you know for well, vajay jay weights.

Currently though I must go, work to do. (not a work out, don't be hilarious)

LOOK AT ME





DAY FOUR - SECOND VERSE SAME AS THE FIRST

Now that it's day four I need to quickly amass four posts so it looks like I haven't sat on my (expanding) arse for the first three days of my "blog each day" resolution.

Having re-read my first entry I am devastated to see that I have written the words "avoiding the paps".  I would like to point out that I meant the paparazzi here, not pap smears. I need to be a fine upstanding member of the community (you know, just like Lara) and set a good example. So girls, don't avoid your pap smears!! As for the pap-ARAZZIS, like Lara I will do my best to avoid them, like stand naked in my window and stuff.

As for whats annoying me today, work. Because I'm there now. Whats amusing me, vaginal weights...no really, more about that later.  Whats giving me gas, the entire packet of Pods I just ate. Not yet, but I say give it an hour.   For a teaser on my third post I leave you with this:  INSERT PHOTO HERE.

Yep, that really is a teaser isn't it? I havent learnt to post a pic yet.

DAY THREE BUT PRETENDING IT'S DAY ONE

Welcome to my anomy, anonmy, amon, shit can't spell it..anon-e-mouse um secret blog thing.  It has my name plastered on it, yes go on, I know point out the obvious. But I wanted to be like Lara didn't I? If Lara can get her own show about nothing I can have my own blog about nothing.  Stastistically though this could be about one of the thousands of Linda Walkers in the world, so I could still be flying under the radar.

NO ONE KNOWS WHO I AM.

Look at my photo for a start, bares a striking resembling to me by the way. The pig and I are a lot alike. Greedy, self centred, like the colours pink, keen on green, allergic to exercise. Actually Lara is probably all those things too (bar the exercise bit). They are both far wealthier than me no doubt.

So anyway, my new years resolution was I was going to blog daily about nothing, but like my anon, anomy, anoymy, shit, secret blog -  I've already blown it by missing the first two days.  So being Linda Walker really is just like being Lara Bingle and its harder than you think. It took me three days to get the time to write my first post.  If only I was like Lara and could just stand still and look pretty, and say 'where the bloody hell are ya' occasionally.

By the end of the year I imagine I might be dodging the paps, or at least fielding offers from the media, but until then I will write daily on such rivetting things on the daily goings on in my world. Such as whats annoying me, whats amusing me and whats giving me gas.

So strap yourself in, (no Lara, don't strap one on...that was that video your manager has tried to hide for years) and be prepared for to be bored for the next three hundred and um - mumble mumble (can't spell, can't do maths) days.